Who can tell what's waiting on the journey?

So, I am at an interesting crossroads in my life.

In two weeks, I have a life-changing event starting. Many people would love to know when they're coming. I guess I am. I have no idea what to do with it. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm curious. I'm indifferent. I'm dying to know what will happen. It seems . . . surreal.

This is the fourth time in my life I have been utterly clueless as to the next phase of my life. In a way, this one is more intimidating than the other two times. At least I knew some of the big things would not change.

For instance: When we moved to Colorado. I knew my life was going to change drastically. After all, I'd started Kindergarten with my class, and I felt like my life was shaping into what I'd always wanted it to be. I had great friends. I was good friends with the older "popular" kids (which made me cooler, because they willingly talked to a lowly Freshmen). I was in the elite choir, even though I'd never been in any choir before. I was the only Freshmen in the Fall play. My teachers all liked me, and I had stellar grades. When we moved, I knew that school would continue. I may have to work hard to prove myself in the singing or acting areas, but I was willing to take up the challenge. I knew that whatever church we attended would become part of my family. I could trust my family.

The second time came 5 years later. Once again, Lynette felt like her life was evolving into what she wanted it to be. I was in college! I was sought out to be a reporter for the school paper! I was a peer counselor! I had great friends! I was in a great choir! I changed my major to what I'd wanted it to be from the beginning, but was too self-doubting to believe I could do! I was taking French (I love the language) and was even helping people with homework and being praised for my pronunciation! Then, one phone call seemed to tear my life from the anchored rock it had always known. I felt disappointed, scared, confused, angry and a blend of all deep horrible emotions. I've never cried more in my life than those 2 years. And that's saying something. I knew I could count on my friends. I could count on my parents. I could count on my professors. School would continue.

My third encounter with this feeling happened after yet another great time in my life. My senior year(s) (1 1/2 yrs) of college was, to date, the best of my life. I went to England and studied. I had great parts in the shows. I finished my bloody Senior Project, and Dr. Bennett had said that mine was the best presentation of the evening (even in my costume for Meg in Brigadoon--try having anyone take you seriously in that get-up!). I'd sung in the Northwesteners choir and had truly (to my surprise) thoroughly enjoyed myself. As an R.A., I had the best wing ever (love ya Dev!). I'd been given many awesome opportunities which made my year so rich. Student Teaching showed me how I could teach, and that I truly loved my career choice. I had to come home to an unknown future, and live with my parents again. I had no friends in Nevada. To go from "Miss NNU Socialite" to "Miss Nevada Nobody" was a VERY difficult transition. But, I could count on my family. I was taking my correspondance class through BYU and loving it (Well, with the exception of Henry Fielding's Joseph Andrews. I don't think I've ever had a more painful reading experience). I had things I could count on.

In two weeks, I am no longer a teacher at my school. I have no idea what is coming next. Do I want to continue teaching? Do I want to try something new? Do I have what it takes to actually be successful as a careerwoman anywhere else? Who is going to take me seriously? What if I have to move? What if I try and fail miserably at several jobs? Who wants to hire a former English teacher? I feel so inadequate when I consider any other type of job, because everything I've done has geared me for this. There are amazing teachers out there. There are amazing English teachers out there. I do not classify myself in either of these categories. I am better, after two years, but that's not enough to recommend me, is it?

I wish I could be a person who has her life completely together, and has confidence in that. Self-doubt is a terrible thing. I know that God will take care of me, but lately I feel like I've been slacking on my part of the relationship, so why would He want to honor this promise to provide? I know, I know. That's not the way God works. As a human, that's how I see others operating, and it can be hard to think that God is a "bigger person" than that--even when I KNOW it to be true. I've seen it many times; even in my own life. I know that doubting God is a sin, and that Satan uses whatever he can to make me do this. I try to ignore it, but it's tough. Sigh.

Does this rambling make any sense to anybody but me? I'm sorry if it doesn't. It's just been on my brain a lot lately, and I wanted to get it out there. Maybe someone else needs to read this, I don't know. I just don't know.

Well, the title of this post comes from the song "Into the Woods" from Into the Woods.