Do you ever feel like you're just sitting around waiting for life to truly start? I do. I don't know why, because I attempt to live my life. I mean, I'm not the sort who just sits around. I get up and go! I take some risks, but within a comfortable realm usually. I'd say the last two risks I took seemed to be my solo drive to Oregon, and auditioning for the WNMTC shows (it's very intimidating to sing to a room of people you don't know!). This is not sitting well with me right now.
I think part of it is the fact that I am comparing myself to so many college friends and such. Kara is at seminary, and living such a hectic life: student, Greek professor, working at the Nazarene Archives, teaching Sunday School, traveling everywhere from England to Turkey to Mexico to Washington D.C., and the list goes on from there. Jen is studying for her PhD, and still studying at Georgetown. Devon is working on her Masters. Laurissa is married, has a son (who gurgles at me on the phone), and she and her husband are attempting to start a theatre group in Baltimore. Esther is a travel nurse, and gets to live in all sorts of interesting places. Tiffany is going to New Zealand next week until May to work with missionaries. Kristina is teaching in Taiwan (I think she still is). Sara is working on her Masters. Tara is a nurse, and owns her own house. Melinda is teaching in Kuna (Wendy's job! Wendy is still working with the technology grant from the Albertson's foundation), and working on things she has no experience with (newspaper and such). Becky is still down in the southernest of Southern California working with the Border Patrol. Kami has her Masters and is still working for the police force in Nampa. Kelly is still at NNU (Working on the oh-so fun English Senior Project! Ah, the days when the Bronte sisters were at the top of my concern list!), and has been accepted to her first choice grad school for the fall. I could continue, but I think I'll stop.
I compare my life to these dear friends of mine, and I guess I feel so mediocre in comparison. I guess there really is no reason to compare our lives; it really does nothing. After all, how many of them can brag about Ginger Spice's dog running into their bathroom stall? How many can claim to have almost drowned in the ocean (along with a cousin) as a child, only to have a surreal Baywatch experience with the lifeguard saving them? I've had a fairly full 24 and 10 1/2 months of life. But I guess I'm feeling like my dreams are sitting on a shelf, collecting dust. These friends I've mentioned are at least working toward some of their dreams, if not fulfilling a dream once known. I don't like this feeling that my dreams are merely dusty knickknacks that I keep around because I like them, yet do nothing with them. I like them bright, shiny, and within an attainable possibility. Perhaps that's where my slightly frustrated feeling of complacency is coming from.
At the moment, I don't feel like I am actively pursuing any of my big dreams. And why not? I cannot come up with any answers that satisfy myself here. I haven't taken my GRE, nor have I really looked into it. I want to take a math class nearby beforehand (La Junta High School was where I took my last math class!). I guess I want to limit my 200+ areas of which I'd like to study a bit more, before I really look into it. I'm not planning to live abroad in the near future. I'm not writing a great American novel which will revolutionize the entire world. I'm not even trying to get a children's story going! I'm not a wonderful dancer, great actress, or phenomenal singer. I'm currently not even pursuing training in any of these categories. And why not? Am I too afraid of the risk now that I'm an "adult" and not under my parent's wing? Am I too afraid of failure? I can't accept these fears, yet I have a sneaking suspicion that I am. And the longer I wait to grab hold of these dreams and fly with them, I believe that it is less likely for them to actually take place. I need to get out of this rut, but I'm not quite sure how to do so . . .
Just some ramblings. I don't know if anything will come of them, but it helps to get them out into the open. If for nothing else, so that I can think about them in a more focused and clear manner.
The title comes from the reprise of "Not for the Life of Me" from Thoroughly Modern Millie. The one that Millie sings, anyway, not the one the brothers sing in Chinese (which is very funny with the subtitles!). Anyway, Millie sings this bit right after she's been mugged (they take her hat, purse, and one shoe) and talked to Jimmy who, in all his NYC worldly wisdom, advises her to go back home and tell about her one hour adventure in NYC for the rest of her life. Millie considers going back to Kansas, but then she remembers why she came to New York--adventure and a life far different from that which is expected of her. She will NOT be her mother, grandmother, etc. Brave Millie Dillmount. Silly, scared Lynette Brown.
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